he does this thing

what a terrible coward I am. I am afraid that this shanty little barrier ive constructed will fall, all the time.

last month, i put up curtains. They are heavy and long and very, very white. I made the rushed mistake of not using wall anchors and so a week later when i returned to my place, i found the right side of the rods gripping for dear life, to the wall. the curtains and the rods were a single tug from the devastation of collapse. i have been too busy, still, to take all of the bare screws out and replace them with anchors and so the right side is still droopy, even as I look at them now. in fact, gravity is pulling, very slowly, the curtains down every day.

the point, is this. I am so careful with the rod. gingerly, i open the curtains for day; and gingerly, i replace them at night. i barely exert any pressure at all. i keep julian clear of the window and dont come near with the vacuum, lest me lifting them will be enough to cause the tumble...or worse yet, the vacuum could suck them from the wall.

but, they are going down anyway. they are not installed properly and it is only a matter of time, really.

they are going down anyway. slowly. almost unnoticeably.

but surely.

as am i. going down. slowly,

but surely.

and i am still too cowardice (or too busy, or too lazy, or too parylyzed) to properly install- to do it the right way- lest too much pressure in the wrong direction cause the whole damn poorly installed mess to tumble.

and this note: i did not do it improperly because I was trying to cut corners. I simply just didnt know what I was doing. i actually thought i was doing it right, thought i was quite clever to remember that windows are normally framed out, with wood...the very wood i would be screwing into that would allow me to use only screws and not anchors.

i was wrong

as often i am

and then i am too 'fraidy-cat to take it all down and start over.

....right. and the thing he does, reminds me of this almost every single day. it is a cruel and fitting irony. one i deserve. one i hope will motivate me to take it all down and do it right, even if i have to take more than a couple of stabs at it.