you said, you said, you said....

When I still wore yours, I remember that I was always afraid it would fall off of my too-slender, winter-shrinking finger; and so, everytime I threw a cigarette out of my moving car, I would check to make sure it was still there. A quick look and rub on the stone and I was reassured.

I still check. And every once in a while I freak out, ready to stop my car mid-speed, mid-travel and haul over to the curb and start looking for the ring that fell off my finger.

then I remember. I gave it back?/ You asked for it? I don't remember. What still remains is the fact that its gone and I am always still loooking for it.

:On my finger. In your eyes. In our son's. Its still in the couch that sits at my new place. Its in the red bathroom rug, circle-shaped with rumination. The coffee pot I broke taking it from storage; all I could remember was how you once told me to be extremely careful cause it was impossible to replace. It sits, the coffee maker, on the kitchen counter. And I don't wish I hadn't broken the pot because I want coffee.

I keep everything, you know this. I kept the J heart A box and went through it today. Its funny how everything seems so different in hindsight. Is hindsight really 20/20, as is said?

I read the letters we wrote each other when you were first going back to school. It brought back the memory of when you were determined for Haaavaad. And now I am at Columbia and in some strange way I had hoped it would make you want me back- like if I was at the Ivy, then I could be good enough to come back to, like piecing together a forgotten dream.

I can't even write. I have to learn how to hybridize orbitals. But all I can think about is how many times you said you could never love someone the way you love/d me. You said you would die loving me. You said death would be the only thing to take you from me! You said that not even I could take you from me., no matter how hard I tried to push. SO PROVE IT!!! I am waiting to find out if you meant what you said. I am waiting...will be waiting...and I doubt will ever stop waiting.