reduced to paper

dinner by 6.30- in time for jeopardy.
a forced rising at first alarm (something ive never done in my life) (ever.)
clean house by the time you get home-
bathrooms,
dishes and vacuuming.
still breastfeeding.
late often because im still breastfeeding.
endless negotiation of time away from you
endless answers to endless questions
endurance of the passive-aggressive "where r u going today?"
where are you really going?
with that?
doctors
maybe medication
complete trust in your observation,
refusing, sometimes, my own in favor of yours
this website.
this bullshit
apologies (also a first)
showering with jules in the morning (even tho its cold and uncomfortable)
lying to my friends
giving some up
rearranging my life
completely
not taking yoga- even though i asked for it first and desperately want it and have never had a night to myself- though you always seem to get one
did i mention LYING to my friends?
lame excuses, cop- outs. feeling like a total ass.
for u
because you ask
because IM NOT SELFISH- just
stupid
maybe you're a self-loather.
maybe its easier to believe Im selfish because i am slow to budge
when you're the one thats hardly moved.
Im a different person.
are u?
are u really
flexible?
(maybe not so much)
i think before I speak.
always
do u?
(I hope not, because what you say is frequently halfthought and frequently hurtful)
(and unnecessary)
im a different person
and i don't really like her.
she lacks integrity.
and this wasn't always so.
maybe thats what happens when you ignore the voice in your head,
in favor of someone else's

goodnite, sweet doubter.
tomorrow's a new day and Ive got my eraser ready.
the slate must be rewiped.
its what you keep asking
what you keep expecting
what I keep obliging
one more chance for love?
what if I was selfish with my soul and said
no
tomorrow?
what if I was selfish with my life and walked away already.
walked away right now?
refused the doctor
and my child, when the time comes again?
refused you the way I used to before you asked me
not to
o,
that doesn't count?
only frequent naps and threatening friends.
o.
i see now
what selfishness really is

goodnite sweet doubter.