One.

J-

Driving home tonight, I thought of nothing but finally coming home to you. I put that CD in, the one you made for me, and listened to the songs that remind you of us. I thought of how sad you were today and how you finally broke down- in front of me- and I wanted to cry; but, the past few days have stolen all my tears away. I stopped at the grocery to pick up dinner and cook for the first time in weeks (maybe months) and I picked out a greeting card smeared with cheesy Hallmark sentiment.

But, when I got home the air stunk of your new cologne, your hair was slicked back and the baby was ready for bed. You were standing, waiting to finally bolt for the door. I didn't ask where you were going. It really didn't matter. Don't think I was upset. I only thought of the food and the words as a means of easing your night. It was for you, not me. You know I'd much rather not cook and spill my guts.

The air in our home hangs like thick, black lava and I can bearly breathe sometimes. There are days when I feel just fine but the fear just behind your stare never fails to throw me into myself and keep me there till dawn. This thing that you say I have, that I realize with every revisited memory is just a piece of this puzzling relationship that both of us have yet to understand. I enjoy the excuses this thing makes for us.

But, I know there is more to it; there is much more just below the simplicity of affliction.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, the most dedicated man I have ever met.

I have never worked harder at anything in my life. This is the statement of truth I offer to you. Hold on to it and "never let go" (I know you looooved Titanic). Keep it in that dusty place you only search in desperation. Keep it in that corner stuffed with miscellaneous post-its scribbled with love, favorite slowdances, and providence poverty, but never forget its there.

Sometimes, I can't believe how lucky I am. Sometimes, I can't belive how miserable. Mostly, I don't understand how those two things intertwine. How both? How simultaneously? Why are we both struggling so much when all we are is in love?

- a

As for the dinner and the hallmark. I lost my card and in an embarrassing moment that hasn't happened in years, I had to leave the express line without the goods.