I am feeling okay

Dearest you,

You don't have to worry today. I am feeling okay. Julian is calm and fairly cooperative. Thanks to you, I slept well last night- cradled by the television and the blanket you want to throw out.

You say that I am either moving very fast or not at all. I know this is true. You have to understand what this is like for me- coming to the slow realization that my entire life and every new thing I had come to understand about the process of my past and of my present is a function of something that does not exist. I do stupid things in one extreme, hurt everyone I love when I am in the middle, and fall off the face of the earth at the other. And all the while I thought I had come to understand that I was simply making badly thought- out choices, thought that I was finally stepping upon the stones of trial and error. I thought I was incredibly talented, but given an unrelenting handicap that somehow, eventually, I would shrug off and I'd learn to make the right decisions after enough "errors".

What an awful set of cards.

What a confusing way to live.

How terrible to not be able to trust your gut. I can't even trust instinct. I thought instinct was all anyone could really ever count on. And I ...can't trust mine. Mine is plagued with constant cumulus cloud.

In our poetry unit in lit class we are revisiting poetic device. In the poem I analyzed yesterday I was focusing on alliteration and I neglected to pull out the instances where only two words in a line contained the same letter. I felt as though it was more coincidence than intention and therefore not worthy of recognition. I felt that only two words were not significantly "alliterated" (if that's even a word). Three words or more was cause for significance of the letter used- three words or more was clearly intentionally created. It's what I thought. Its how I think. I tend to believe more in coincidence than significance. How dumb, I think now. Two words is enough. When I write, often I need to repeat a letter for effect, even if its only twice. ("constant cumulus cloud" or "stepping on the stones") Equally as important.

I am realizing, too, that love is enough. I thought there needed to be a third common thing else it was just as insignificant as a two word alliteration. Good enough to be labeled coincidence, but not destined or intentional.

We share love and maybe nothing else. But it's enough to count.

Thank you for sticking with me.

yours-
me