Jonas,

I could not sleep last night and so I helped myself to a very full glass of wine.

Maybe, you and I just weren't meant to be. Or, we both have too much work to do before we can even think of being together. Or....

(I wrote the last "or" hoping I'd be able to come up with something better than the previous explanations. Nothing comes, though I wish that were not the case.)

You left for work today and I am left wondering when I will see you again. I though a lot last night of the past year. I thought a lot about all of the things I've found out about you that I didn't know, that I only know because you've told me.- like certain girls and you talking, like the videos you say you watch often, like the flirting you've done and the lines you say you've just barely crossed. I think about how each and everything you've told me has been a complete surprise and how I have NO surprises like that.

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. not because I want you to but because you have found a way to find out. THERE ARE NO secrets and I have to wonder, even though you're "not looking" and you no longer "care", why this is still the case. Why do you still know every number that belongs to all of my friends and I couldn't pick out one of your's. Why do you think that is? Why do you know everything????? still???

I was only thinking; I don't expect any actual answer.

You said last night that you don't want this anymore. I don't blame you. Maybe I'm not worthy. Maybe Im not good enough and may never be.

The past couple of weeks have been glorious. I tricked myself into thinking it would stay that way forever.

And where now, from here? Why are we here again? We're going shopping today, jules and I. I don't want to "fuck up xmas"- whatever that means. thuough Im sure its pretty fucked up already.

-her