This is what I remember

I remember most a time when I was working two jobs. I had become so run down that I fell ill with so many different infecions and viruses that the doctor I saw said he wouldnt bother with a prescription. My body became so weak, he recommended sleep and sleep alone. The morning of that night was the first morning I called in sick for as long as I could remember. And I couldnt even do it because I could barely move. he called for me. I havent called in sick to work since. Its been nearly 6 years.

I was still breastfeeding. And naive. I believed that I would get her sick if I came near her, not realizing that mother's milk is the best defense. And he wouldn't wake. He refused to get up and feed her mid-night. I ended up doing it, in my feverish fear. I did it. He slept.

I made many mistakes. Ive never denied this. Ive never fully accepted the fact either, but this is slowly changing. It is not changing quickly enough and I am sorrowfully beginning to realize this. But, these mistakes landed me in New York and he cross-country. They have led her to believe that she is "the mother she never had." Please think twice. Please try not to judge. I worked two jobs and breastfed every day until he left. And i will concede that it is easier to give a body than a soul, easier to give physical sustenance than emotional. I concede. It's wholly true. But, I am a person that has only ever known how to give my body. I am just now learning how to give my soul.

I stopped calling and writing and visiting both because I ran out of money and [mostly becasue I became convinced that] I wanted what was best for her. It is not because I was busy with other things and she slipped from priority but that I believed that you loved her and could replace me where I fell short. i halted my efforts and changed my trajectory when I read that she began calling you 'mom' and I suppose I hoped you could be that for her. I wanted her to have the normal family life that I could only dream about.

Ive made mistakes. I am too timid when it comes to matters of the heart. It may seem I hardly have one- I have such a deficit in my behaviour. But, you can always find me. my email has never changed. I am always reachable online and I will be at Columbia for some time to come.

Jonas has a niece that was born out of wedlock 14 yrs ago. Shes never met her father, he left before her birth. She was raised well with overwhelming famillial support from grandparents and brothers. And she is fourteen now, and so fabulous. Well-behaved, popular, and impressive. She came to her mother the other day because she wants to meet her father. she has everything you would expect one needs. her mother is remarried and he had adopted the girl. she calls him 'dad' because he is, for all purposes, that for her in every way. She has a younger sister. The whole bit: two working, gracious parents, comfortable house, lots of friends.

I know there is a hole. I know you believe you can fill it. I believed at one point that you could as well. At least fill it enough that I could be blanked out. I wanted this to be so. I wanted her to have complete normalcy so desperately.

My own father has been trying to contact me and I am incredibly conflicted over it. Years go by between phone calls. I had to track him down in the first place for x's sake and here he is wishing me happy holidays; and what do I do with that? But, the fact that he calls means something to me, though I cannot articulate what that is.

And while I do not know anything about you anymore I am sure you both have done a fabulous job constructing a life. I speculate she is happy and healthy.

It would be nice if we had the type of relationship that Julian and I have. It is sad that you believe I am a terrible person who wants nothing to do with her child. It is unfortunate you are so quick, as most people tend to be, to judge. Try not to. I have only always tried to do things the best I know how. It is egregiously insufficient at times but I always had the best of intentions.

Either way, congratualtions on the house. I wish I could find the courage to call you.