better ask yourself why

were not friends anymore. I was delusional to think that we could be. Or simply hopeful; Are they the same emotion?. Kris says there is too much pain in the way and too much space. That we both still love each other too much- something to that effect- and it would only be a matter of time.

I believed she was right until last week or so...(if memory serves, and it generally does not).

I think it was a series of moments, and not just one. Irresponsibility and impulse would alternately lie in place of this incredibly calm frustration had it only been one "defining" event. it was several.

And, something else has been happening. I used to be quick to please, ultimately too sacrificial for the sake of others to which I should have no loyalty. And it was to him that I have finally turned away. I have no wish to please or accommodate him any longer and it was these moments that solidified that.

In between those moments I thought we would make it. I wished even and dreamt of it as I made breakfast in the morning, and passed by those looming New York brownstones downtown where I imagined we'd fashion a home someday soon. And during every trip back to the island from "the city (emphasis on the t)" as Jules anxiously begged to stay, wished that we lived there, I'd say quietly "soon....soon."

He remembers "the old home" and speaks of it often. Even when we are nowhere near it. And I used to remember with him and keep the fantasy glowing, anxious for when he could have that again, for when I could.

I wasnt ready enough and I guess he wasnt patient enough. This has always been our problem. I was hoping the time apart had mended it a little and brought the gaps a little closer together. I can be right about every other relationship I see. I will never be right about ours. Or rather, I have always been right and have been trying so hard to be wrong. I had no problem being wrong in class on Monday. Application to reality: Intuition will only get you so far. And even then, the lowest quiz gets dropped.

reference: jamie lidell, "game for fools"