while he sleeps

The first half of my week is tedious.....it hurts in very specific places of my body; the aching of immobilization.
I sleep 3 hours each night until saturday when my body finally gives. The laundry is piled and the dishes are high, carpets beg for vacuuming and surfaces gasp for air buried beneath the week's neglected dust. I drop him on saturday night, with a long pause and a quiet sigh.

I was sitting here, feeling immobilized. Too tired to get into the work that is waiting for, and laughing at, me. And then I remembered that he is sleeping in the next room- not in the sense that I had forgotten but that i had re-remembered.

Ive taught him what mommy wants to be when she "grows up." He knows why we are in the city all the time and what mommy's real "work" is. I get these immense and intolerable urges to just go to sleep- my body begging for respite and i just keep pushing it. Push. lets go. MOVE! Lacrosse-battle reminiscent: it's pouring rain, the mud is thick and unyielding but the goal is in sight and there are just a couple defenders in the way. GO!! Jonas said it is b/c i am a "hustler"; I believe its because i dont want to fail. I make myself believe that failure is not an option, in any way, shape, or form; I cannot allow it to be.

I failed at the relationship; ive failed at several. I helped break apart his family and I make myself believe that at least I can still build myself into something he can be proud of- that I can eventually be proud of. Whenever the derivatives begin to overtake and the rules of physical science overwhelm I simply remember that he is sleeping in the next room, staying in the house across the hills. I remember that this all will have to be worth it, that I have to make this whole damned mess finally worth it.

GO!