well (double-sigh)

she's fucking up. Fucking it alllllll up, fuckity-fuck fuck up. i just have absolutely no idea what I am doing. Not a clue. its like walking around completely blind. handicapped but i dont get to use the parking spaces at the front of the lot or the convenient on- ramp through the secret side doors. There are no allowances for my handicap- my great and unavoidable type of retardation. People like me are not helped, not even pitied. People like me are only judged and dismissed and yelled at. people like me are deemed capable yet crudely inconsiderate. People like me end up in corners crying, clawing at hardwood floors and bathroom tiles after the fight that they've led ends up in ruins.

He said this to me two years after we met, "When I first met you, i thought you were a pathological liar. I thought that there was no way that everything happened to you the way you said, that so much could be happening to one person."

And i replied, "And now?"

And he said, blankly, "I can't believe you're still standing."

I hold on to that. I remember it often. Jonas said that he "just can't believe all of the things I say happen to me sometimes."

(but, jonas, you lived with me. you know what an entire clusterfuck my life is.dont u remember?)

this week ended with:
a midterm near-failure
a flat tire (on the new tire I just replaced two months ago)
broken windshield wipers (while driving in the rain)
the drop out of an important research group member= increased work load
a cut shift (yet again)
3 papers due by wednesday (due to syllabus changes in 2 classes)
financial aid readjustment
most of all: the god damn 1 train makes it impossible to get to campus inside of an hour!!!! (F!)