Im doing this for you

That's what I tell you, at least. That's the only leg I have to stand on, with you. You say that you take everything I say with a grain of salt, but I think that's a measure of your own self loathing.

Maybe.

Who am I to judge? I've never been any good at it- that's why I stay away from gossip circles (comments about bad behavior and poorly coordinated outfits not-withstanding). Real judgements are not the strong suit of human beings. Real judgements are not for us to make.

But, I have wanted this for as long as I can remember. I've never strayed, hardly wavered. I stood by the couch today listening to you tell me that you think this could be a farse, just short of another workup of my imagination and I almost raged like the lunatic you want to make me out to be. Almost, until the want to cry overwhelmed. Almost until I knew it made no sense, until I realized you really had no leg to stand on. With that, any how. I have been volunteering in the field and piling the science extra credit on, and snatching up the most impressive courseload, and speaking to every med student that walks into my life- reaching for this dream- at every opportunity. Don't tell me I don't want this. Don't tell me I can't taste it every morning, even before my morning coffee. Don't tell me I cant see it, feel it, describe the curve of its back and the smell of its skin. It is that real it sleep with me at night, watches me study, drags me to class and into my books and out of my distractions. This is who I want to be, in the thick of human madness, in the middle of human intrigue. Barreling towards the answers to the puzzels that plague the human condition.

I am feeling okay

Dearest you,

You don't have to worry today. I am feeling okay. Julian is calm and fairly cooperative. Thanks to you, I slept well last night- cradled by the television and the blanket you want to throw out.

You say that I am either moving very fast or not at all. I know this is true. You have to understand what this is like for me- coming to the slow realization that my entire life and every new thing I had come to understand about the process of my past and of my present is a function of something that does not exist. I do stupid things in one extreme, hurt everyone I love when I am in the middle, and fall off the face of the earth at the other. And all the while I thought I had come to understand that I was simply making badly thought- out choices, thought that I was finally stepping upon the stones of trial and error. I thought I was incredibly talented, but given an unrelenting handicap that somehow, eventually, I would shrug off and I'd learn to make the right decisions after enough "errors".

What an awful set of cards.

What a confusing way to live.

How terrible to not be able to trust your gut. I can't even trust instinct. I thought instinct was all anyone could really ever count on. And I ...can't trust mine. Mine is plagued with constant cumulus cloud.

In our poetry unit in lit class we are revisiting poetic device. In the poem I analyzed yesterday I was focusing on alliteration and I neglected to pull out the instances where only two words in a line contained the same letter. I felt as though it was more coincidence than intention and therefore not worthy of recognition. I felt that only two words were not significantly "alliterated" (if that's even a word). Three words or more was cause for significance of the letter used- three words or more was clearly intentionally created. It's what I thought. Its how I think. I tend to believe more in coincidence than significance. How dumb, I think now. Two words is enough. When I write, often I need to repeat a letter for effect, even if its only twice. ("constant cumulus cloud" or "stepping on the stones") Equally as important.

I am realizing, too, that love is enough. I thought there needed to be a third common thing else it was just as insignificant as a two word alliteration. Good enough to be labeled coincidence, but not destined or intentional.

We share love and maybe nothing else. But it's enough to count.

Thank you for sticking with me.

yours-
me

One.

J-

Driving home tonight, I thought of nothing but finally coming home to you. I put that CD in, the one you made for me, and listened to the songs that remind you of us. I thought of how sad you were today and how you finally broke down- in front of me- and I wanted to cry; but, the past few days have stolen all my tears away. I stopped at the grocery to pick up dinner and cook for the first time in weeks (maybe months) and I picked out a greeting card smeared with cheesy Hallmark sentiment.

But, when I got home the air stunk of your new cologne, your hair was slicked back and the baby was ready for bed. You were standing, waiting to finally bolt for the door. I didn't ask where you were going. It really didn't matter. Don't think I was upset. I only thought of the food and the words as a means of easing your night. It was for you, not me. You know I'd much rather not cook and spill my guts.

The air in our home hangs like thick, black lava and I can bearly breathe sometimes. There are days when I feel just fine but the fear just behind your stare never fails to throw me into myself and keep me there till dawn. This thing that you say I have, that I realize with every revisited memory is just a piece of this puzzling relationship that both of us have yet to understand. I enjoy the excuses this thing makes for us.

But, I know there is more to it; there is much more just below the simplicity of affliction.

You are the best thing that has ever happened to me, the most dedicated man I have ever met.

I have never worked harder at anything in my life. This is the statement of truth I offer to you. Hold on to it and "never let go" (I know you looooved Titanic). Keep it in that dusty place you only search in desperation. Keep it in that corner stuffed with miscellaneous post-its scribbled with love, favorite slowdances, and providence poverty, but never forget its there.

Sometimes, I can't believe how lucky I am. Sometimes, I can't belive how miserable. Mostly, I don't understand how those two things intertwine. How both? How simultaneously? Why are we both struggling so much when all we are is in love?

- a

As for the dinner and the hallmark. I lost my card and in an embarrassing moment that hasn't happened in years, I had to leave the express line without the goods.