not you

i wasnt talking about you. I wasnt talking about anyone, really. (Im sorry if it made u upset to read.) I know there were elements of some things we have been through but I wasnt talking about you at all. I dont see a fight in this with you; or a competition. I never really did. I just...I was just writing, is all. There is nothing you didnt say that wasnt true.

I was just writing. We had an assignment in class and I was just writing....I didnt mean any of it for you, really, I just liked the way it sounded.

on second thought

i had hoped you were better people than you are. I place too much trust in people who have done nothing to earn or warrant such faith. This has always been my downfall. I suspect, though, it is a (rather) circuitous way for me to back out of the tough stuff, by hoping someone lesser-than would (or even, could) step up.

well. i gave in once, and that will be the very last time. I havent given up since. I never, ever will. fighting is terrible, and tiring. But

I am made out of fight. I am made out of all of the people i trusted to keep me safe who ended up walking right over me on their way to the door. I am made out of the teeth and nails my mother used to force me into grounds and back me into corners. I am made of court documents and backwards laws, of 600 mile journeys and men with gentle eyes and absent souls. i am made out of bad jobs and cut-throat competition. little blue pills, pink, yellow, white tiles and bad hair. i am made out of hallucinations and sheer, dirty determination that never runs thin.

i say to u now: bring it.

but come hard, come fast and be prepared. I am made of steel. no keys, no tricks and everything to lose. I will take u to the mat and make no apologies.
ever
again.

hardly

"comfortable" is hardly what I would label my life. It is hard and crazy and, did I mention hard? You've forgotten that I have no family, no one in my corner. You've forgotten I have no financial back-up in case I lose my job or my hours get cut (as they have the past 3 weeks, and still I oblige, and of course make no probes when you ask for more). You forget about the Ivy league education I am crucifying myself for. You forget I havent had a full nights sleep in...in....? And also, there is that thing that you know-- that you know well, in fact-- that causes me to alienate the people I love on an irregular but predictable basis.

get your facts straight (its 17 not 19, its a credit, not an exemption and residence has nothing to do with it, im alone and working my ass off not sitting around fucking with you and twittling my thumbs). stop jerking off in my ear. its really getting old and bothersome. If i can pull myself out of what I came from, and even where I am now, hit the ground running and never, ever stop, then you can too. you are the maker of your destiny and if things arent "fair", thats because they never are. Im here for him and im here for you. I always, always come through when you ask but you just have to ask because you are right--i am too wrapped up in my life most of the time to notice. you're completely right. Aside from those three days, i do not know whats going on. And it isnt because I do not care. it is because my life entirely consists of 3 hours of sleep, schoolwork, commutes (jesus, the commute!!! why do i still live on long island again?), julian days, school work, school work, school work and work work(as much as I can get).

eh, whats the point? this will only make you angrier and only more grief will be coming my way. you know im well-intentioned. you know this. you know. you have to. just, look: if u have something to say, tell me in person because you are calmer and more reasonable when you have to face me. the text messages are mean and often uncalled for and generally make me cry. just talk to me, jonas...really, there is no reason to be so angry and insulting. you may know this if you faced me more often and cut down on making all of the assumptions you rely upon too often.

were going running on the boardwalk this afternoon. i am looking forward to it.

42 text messages

My birthday, the "threshold" into womanhood (so I am told) happened finally. And i was loved all day which makes for an especially sunny day. 4 miles through the park followed by surprise dinners with favorite friends is really all i could have asked for. It was a lovely day filled with thoughtful messages from anyone I had ever cared for and laughter than never ended. It was the kind of day that leaves hope sitting in your soul, the kind of day that makes the Dickinson's feather poem make perfect sense.

none

you're eyes are very gentle for a man with no soul.