it is true

I miss you.

terribly.

I miss the attempts at dinner by 630 and family jeopardy on the couch. I miss the love notes super- stickied to metal doors and underneath unruly shirts in looming newly- painted black dressers. The waking up next to you with "the kid" jungle-gymming in between. I miss the coffee you would make because I was too lazy to but always craved. I miss the miscellaneous flowers to miscellaneous jobs and the miscellanous love we sometimes shared.

I do.

miss you terribly.

And I wonder...was this all because you were "in love with the idea of being in love". Was I just your next chrissy, as she was your last michelle? And is XXXX the next me? Because, to me, you were the love of my life; And I was just the idea of that? How could it have meant so much to me and so little to you?

Why couldnt we just be happy? wait....i remember. you were never in love with me.

fuck.

not really a shame. thought about it, did some reading, took some notes. i dont want to say "blessing in disquise"; it sounds too clicheed and inappropriate. I dont feel this was the product of divine intervention. I feel, actually, a lot of pain and hurt and large, gaping sorrow. I miss what I thought we could have been. I miss the idea of a family we shouldve been able to have if you hadnt been spilling lies the whole time, if you werent busy trying to convince yourself that youre someone you're not and will never be. That i am, also, someone i am not.

We couldve been 12 on a playground at recess. Only, the teacher didnt see the rocks you were throwing. we couldve been the two boys from your past- u the one who stole my mitt and I the one pleading for the aid to see right through you to the truth. Instead, i was the one who got in trouble, the one labeled "thief", the one spilled out onto the sandy and uncertain pavement.

thanks for the memories. thanks for finally letting me in on the big secret.

"never loved me" ooooooo. KO: Jonas J

well....what is there to say, really?

i think youre a genuine asshole. no question, and this new love affair turned dagger to my soul has strengthened my argument 400 fold. So while you write her poetry and song lyrics and ruminate about the way "you've never felt this way before", I will be reminded of exactly how much you have no idea who and what you are and I am thankful for the knowledge that I was right about you. I am grateful for the effort I put in to keep us together and proud of my perseverence. I am not ashamed that I was duped for so long by somebody so wrapped up in his own inclinations and foolishness that he couldnt even see straight through.; even when he thought he was trying.

good luck with that.

this is such a pity
we should give our love to each other
not this hate that
destroys us

dear jonas-
its a favorite song that makes me cry that i have on repeat when you are not here.
this is so sad.
our family is broken and.....i feel like nothing i say you will listen to; you are so, so mean all the time.
when this began i felt like it would work itself out at some point. I feel like the separation is a necessary movement at this point, while i still hold that it is necessary. And i really, desperately, hope it works out. I hope we can both straighten out our priorities and our selves and come back at some point new and ready for each other.

Is that a fantasy?

It seems now that we could never recover from this. You, who are now "smiling"; you who's "life is getting better everyday" while I cannot serve pancakes and watch happy couples without fighting back tears. While I run everyday like I am running from the sadness in my soul. While I wish I knew who you were.

This is not what I intended. This is not what I want. And I can't believe you can smile. I dont understand it.

-her

does it really? (predicitons from 4/3)

does it really matter what it is that I truly feel if you are tangled in preconceived notion? If you believe that I don't want you than what purpose is served by asking? If you do not take my words for what they are, if the reformulation of my truth by your brain is inevitable, then why? If speculation is the only basis byu which you define truth, then....then....

I say that to say this: I have the idea in my head that you will never be happy with me. I will never be the one to make your dinner. I will always be ambitious and out and about.