Jonas,

I could not sleep last night and so I helped myself to a very full glass of wine.

Maybe, you and I just weren't meant to be. Or, we both have too much work to do before we can even think of being together. Or....

(I wrote the last "or" hoping I'd be able to come up with something better than the previous explanations. Nothing comes, though I wish that were not the case.)

You left for work today and I am left wondering when I will see you again. I though a lot last night of the past year. I thought a lot about all of the things I've found out about you that I didn't know, that I only know because you've told me.- like certain girls and you talking, like the videos you say you watch often, like the flirting you've done and the lines you say you've just barely crossed. I think about how each and everything you've told me has been a complete surprise and how I have NO surprises like that.

YOU KNOW EVERYTHING. not because I want you to but because you have found a way to find out. THERE ARE NO secrets and I have to wonder, even though you're "not looking" and you no longer "care", why this is still the case. Why do you still know every number that belongs to all of my friends and I couldn't pick out one of your's. Why do you think that is? Why do you know everything????? still???

I was only thinking; I don't expect any actual answer.

You said last night that you don't want this anymore. I don't blame you. Maybe I'm not worthy. Maybe Im not good enough and may never be.

The past couple of weeks have been glorious. I tricked myself into thinking it would stay that way forever.

And where now, from here? Why are we here again? We're going shopping today, jules and I. I don't want to "fuck up xmas"- whatever that means. thuough Im sure its pretty fucked up already.

-her

I know it's inside

For you-

-who stood by me, concerned and immediate
-the first person I thought of, the only one that I needed
-who probably broke every traffic law, on the way to my side
-who hugged me, rubbed my knee, and flushed the madness down the toilet

this is for you, whom I know is probably more frightened of the chemicals than I am- the ones in my brain and the ones that I take.

Yesterday I felt like the sacrificial lamb- offering my body for the higher purpose, to save myself, to save us. As the episode began to take hold.....(end of original post)

4/18-
you fraud

reduced to paper

dinner by 6.30- in time for jeopardy.
a forced rising at first alarm (something ive never done in my life) (ever.)
clean house by the time you get home-
bathrooms,
dishes and vacuuming.
still breastfeeding.
late often because im still breastfeeding.
endless negotiation of time away from you
endless answers to endless questions
endurance of the passive-aggressive "where r u going today?"
where are you really going?
with that?
doctors
maybe medication
complete trust in your observation,
refusing, sometimes, my own in favor of yours
this website.
this bullshit
apologies (also a first)
showering with jules in the morning (even tho its cold and uncomfortable)
lying to my friends
giving some up
rearranging my life
completely
not taking yoga- even though i asked for it first and desperately want it and have never had a night to myself- though you always seem to get one
did i mention LYING to my friends?
lame excuses, cop- outs. feeling like a total ass.
for u
because you ask
because IM NOT SELFISH- just
stupid
maybe you're a self-loather.
maybe its easier to believe Im selfish because i am slow to budge
when you're the one thats hardly moved.
Im a different person.
are u?
are u really
flexible?
(maybe not so much)
i think before I speak.
always
do u?
(I hope not, because what you say is frequently halfthought and frequently hurtful)
(and unnecessary)
im a different person
and i don't really like her.
she lacks integrity.
and this wasn't always so.
maybe thats what happens when you ignore the voice in your head,
in favor of someone else's

goodnite, sweet doubter.
tomorrow's a new day and Ive got my eraser ready.
the slate must be rewiped.
its what you keep asking
what you keep expecting
what I keep obliging
one more chance for love?
what if I was selfish with my soul and said
no
tomorrow?
what if I was selfish with my life and walked away already.
walked away right now?
refused the doctor
and my child, when the time comes again?
refused you the way I used to before you asked me
not to
o,
that doesn't count?
only frequent naps and threatening friends.
o.
i see now
what selfishness really is

goodnite sweet doubter.