Vrksasana

arent you tired, yet? dont you feel exhausted at all the effort you put into being so difficult?

doesnt being so hateful take a lot out of you? it has to. I have no energy to entertain you more than half of the time, and it seems, if i had run out of vigor sooner, i would have realized the key to a peace that much more quickly.

last year (or was it longer?) I wrote a few lines about you growing up and how it just HAD to happen, that it was inevitable....

I work for a 39 yr old manager, with advanced degrees, that STILL hasnt grown up. IN FACT, he believes that he already has. he believes he has a quiet and patient demeanor and a high capacity for stress, an even temperament and enviable manner. He BELIEVES he is poised and intelligent and mindful, a good, considerate, and respected leader-- someone to be looked up to.

He also likes to chat regularly about personal pursuits, dating, and other such nonsense with no place in the workplace. he also likes to make schoolboy comments about how "sexy" and "hot" he thinks I am and how I will likely "give into my celibacy" as long as hes "around long enough." He is also screwing a fellow waitress and doling out prized shifts and sections- to her and others that do not deserve based on merit but on how much he would like them to like him.

grown up? it seems clearly the contrary.

and so, i am no longer optimistic enough to believe that time forces us all to face our realities and shirk off skewed perceptions.

i am content that life has given me you and that you are still not open to the possibility of change. I am content that you are in my life and i can greet our challenges with openness and a willingness to just let them be what they are, sit where they may in the space between you and i.

ho hum

i quit smoking
and alcohol
and caffeine
and dairy
and dating

im 20 days sober and counting....

ive started boxing again.
and yoga.
im losing weight- the weight on my body and the weight of the world
i said goodbye to him
and to her- the biggest cancers.
im making plans to reconnect with both of my children in meaningful ways. it feels right and i dont want to lose this newfound motivation. one wonders if the restlessness that results from tossing conventional distractions is the result....

it is amazing the new clarity ive gained. I suspect it is temporary, but maybe it isnt. and even if i do go back to coffee and wine, I will take with me the new set of lenses this sobriety and restraint has given me. I am gaining a clearer picture of how you operate and am learning that I wasnt the crazy one, after all. I have my faults, but I am sure now that this wasnt my fault. You werent the honest one. it was you, and not me.

you

not me

it feels awkward to say that. but good. bc its true. and its good.

20 days and counting.....

when will you clean up your act? when will you even begin to try? kevin says bdays are counted in decades now- now that youve reached thirty.....

feist

im sorry that you are you-- having to resort to the kinds of strategies you have been clinging to since your childhood. that has to be tough.

and also

you still make me cry. hard. I cannot help the crying but I am not scared of losing my child to you any longer. remove my fear, and something fierce emerges. confidence and capability that convey with precision. undiluted resolve.

thank you. you are helping me become a better person.

invites

"if you're not invited, you cant come"
"i want you there, but if youre not invited, then you cant come"
"i would be sad if you dont come, but if youre not invited, you cant come"
"i cant be nice to you if youre not invited"

awesome.

"my daddy is teaching me that i cant love my mommy when he is around"
that last one, i made up. but you wouldnt know the difference anyhow because you say things like, "theres your fuckin ma" and think its perfectly fine.

if the girlfriend comes, i come. period. if its a celebration of something important in his life, and it is NOT a private family gathering, I WILL BE THERE. and i will make no apologies.

i will always be his mommy. you hate this, but it is true.

the summer is coming, and i will ask you for a vacation. you will say no. and i will say, "see you in court." (bring the notebook) i wont argue, or plead, or back off as i always do, to keep the peace. it is clear you dont care much for having me be a part of his life. it is also clear that i cannot reason with you because your hatred/selfishness/immaturity is clouding your otherwise pristine judgment.

im so so sorry this is the way it must be.

booooooOOOOOOOooooooo.

theres your fuckin ma

"my daddy really doesnt like you"
"why would you say that, honeyface?"
"because everytime you come he says, (lowered tones)'theres your fuckin ma'"
"that doesnt mean he doesnt like me, jules"
"what does it mean, then?"
"you know how sometimes when you get really angry and upset and you say things you dont mean, and you say things that are inappropriate?"
"yea"
"daddy's doing the same thing. sometimes he gets upset and he cant control what he says just like you sometimes. it doesnt mean he doesnt like me. it happens to everybody sometimes."

o, you! what do u think that does to a 4 year old? "theres your fuckin' ma"
theres your fuckin ma
theres your fuckin ma
there she is.

here
i
am.

boatloads o cash

I contemplated going back to you today...all day. I thought about how I could do it, could it be done, would i make it more than a few weeks/months. I wondered if I could bring back some semblance of hope that maybe you would want to; could I fake it enough?

Because I feel like your level of immaturity is such that you only do unselfish things if 1:they are also fairly aligned with your interests or 2:do not interfere with them. So, naturally, if I could bring things back to the way they were at the beginning, when we first split and you (as was I) were hopeful for a reconciliation, you would be more amenable to actually believing our child wants both parents in his life.

i very seriously thought about it today. Ive thought about it before, as Ive come to these conclusions before when faced with the screen of your ignorance. but, while i believe any two people can stay together, i cannot bring myself to do it. bc I would probably end up losing everything.

eh...u will grow up eventually (wont you?). youll have to. it has to happen; I know it will. and i will hold out until then enduring endless apathetic bullshit, mindless power plays, and sideways glances. You cant even pull it together to pick up the phone. You cant even pull it together to plan a birthday. you dont even have the courage and poise to tell me you already did (note: i dont believe you have) and was planning to cut me out of it AGAIN (note: if in fact you have planned it, which is questionable, youve refused to answer my inquiries regarding it)

DESPITE that

your (OUR) son was
DEVASTATED
for weeks


because i wasnt there last year.
you did it last year, dont you remember?


AND YOUR SON PAID THE CONSEQUENCES FOR WEEKS. all for you. did it make you feel better? does it still bring some comfort?

incase any of this is unclear, hes been asking to make sure i will be there this time:

"march 10," he tells people when they ask about his birthday.
"my mommy will do 'this/that/and the other' when she comes," he gleams.

to me, increasingly often, "will you do 'this/that/and the other' for my birthday, mom?"

i call your parents because you are still a child. and ill call them if i have to, again and again and again (note: this is why she left you. not bc you have a child- though thats a fancy try at an excuse, and maybe even the one she gave you- but bc you are one).

while we're on the topic: do we remember last haloween? justification for cutting me out of trick or treating: "shes not going anywhere."

(....for at least a few weeks....)

and no, i do not resort to "3rd grade" tactics. clearly, those are not working for you and i learn much to quickly to follow after your faulty path. though, they do say," if you cant beat em..."

is there a sandbox we could settle this in?

uh oh!

crumbling. tumbling. fumbling down....

i know I am not alone. And while it is refreshing to realize, i am trying to find a place to be sorry for you....

I make no judgments. Much of that quality in me has to do with enduring being judged (harshly) by all those around me-- those who "loved" me, and consequently the harshest of all, unadulterously included.

So Im going to try really hard to stop calling you names. I am just hurt, obviously, and I was acting immaturely in response to you acting unfairly.