Vrksasana

arent you tired, yet? dont you feel exhausted at all the effort you put into being so difficult?

doesnt being so hateful take a lot out of you? it has to. I have no energy to entertain you more than half of the time, and it seems, if i had run out of vigor sooner, i would have realized the key to a peace that much more quickly.

last year (or was it longer?) I wrote a few lines about you growing up and how it just HAD to happen, that it was inevitable....

I work for a 39 yr old manager, with advanced degrees, that STILL hasnt grown up. IN FACT, he believes that he already has. he believes he has a quiet and patient demeanor and a high capacity for stress, an even temperament and enviable manner. He BELIEVES he is poised and intelligent and mindful, a good, considerate, and respected leader-- someone to be looked up to.

He also likes to chat regularly about personal pursuits, dating, and other such nonsense with no place in the workplace. he also likes to make schoolboy comments about how "sexy" and "hot" he thinks I am and how I will likely "give into my celibacy" as long as hes "around long enough." He is also screwing a fellow waitress and doling out prized shifts and sections- to her and others that do not deserve based on merit but on how much he would like them to like him.

grown up? it seems clearly the contrary.

and so, i am no longer optimistic enough to believe that time forces us all to face our realities and shirk off skewed perceptions.

i am content that life has given me you and that you are still not open to the possibility of change. I am content that you are in my life and i can greet our challenges with openness and a willingness to just let them be what they are, sit where they may in the space between you and i.

ho hum

i quit smoking
and alcohol
and caffeine
and dairy
and dating

im 20 days sober and counting....

ive started boxing again.
and yoga.
im losing weight- the weight on my body and the weight of the world
i said goodbye to him
and to her- the biggest cancers.
im making plans to reconnect with both of my children in meaningful ways. it feels right and i dont want to lose this newfound motivation. one wonders if the restlessness that results from tossing conventional distractions is the result....

it is amazing the new clarity ive gained. I suspect it is temporary, but maybe it isnt. and even if i do go back to coffee and wine, I will take with me the new set of lenses this sobriety and restraint has given me. I am gaining a clearer picture of how you operate and am learning that I wasnt the crazy one, after all. I have my faults, but I am sure now that this wasnt my fault. You werent the honest one. it was you, and not me.

you

not me

it feels awkward to say that. but good. bc its true. and its good.

20 days and counting.....

when will you clean up your act? when will you even begin to try? kevin says bdays are counted in decades now- now that youve reached thirty.....