and also

you still make me cry. hard. I cannot help the crying but I am not scared of losing my child to you any longer. remove my fear, and something fierce emerges. confidence and capability that convey with precision. undiluted resolve.

thank you. you are helping me become a better person.

invites

"if you're not invited, you cant come"
"i want you there, but if youre not invited, then you cant come"
"i would be sad if you dont come, but if youre not invited, you cant come"
"i cant be nice to you if youre not invited"

awesome.

"my daddy is teaching me that i cant love my mommy when he is around"
that last one, i made up. but you wouldnt know the difference anyhow because you say things like, "theres your fuckin ma" and think its perfectly fine.

if the girlfriend comes, i come. period. if its a celebration of something important in his life, and it is NOT a private family gathering, I WILL BE THERE. and i will make no apologies.

i will always be his mommy. you hate this, but it is true.

the summer is coming, and i will ask you for a vacation. you will say no. and i will say, "see you in court." (bring the notebook) i wont argue, or plead, or back off as i always do, to keep the peace. it is clear you dont care much for having me be a part of his life. it is also clear that i cannot reason with you because your hatred/selfishness/immaturity is clouding your otherwise pristine judgment.

im so so sorry this is the way it must be.

booooooOOOOOOOooooooo.

theres your fuckin ma

"my daddy really doesnt like you"
"why would you say that, honeyface?"
"because everytime you come he says, (lowered tones)'theres your fuckin ma'"
"that doesnt mean he doesnt like me, jules"
"what does it mean, then?"
"you know how sometimes when you get really angry and upset and you say things you dont mean, and you say things that are inappropriate?"
"yea"
"daddy's doing the same thing. sometimes he gets upset and he cant control what he says just like you sometimes. it doesnt mean he doesnt like me. it happens to everybody sometimes."

o, you! what do u think that does to a 4 year old? "theres your fuckin' ma"
theres your fuckin ma
theres your fuckin ma
there she is.

here
i
am.