boatloads o cash

I contemplated going back to you today...all day. I thought about how I could do it, could it be done, would i make it more than a few weeks/months. I wondered if I could bring back some semblance of hope that maybe you would want to; could I fake it enough?

Because I feel like your level of immaturity is such that you only do unselfish things if 1:they are also fairly aligned with your interests or 2:do not interfere with them. So, naturally, if I could bring things back to the way they were at the beginning, when we first split and you (as was I) were hopeful for a reconciliation, you would be more amenable to actually believing our child wants both parents in his life.

i very seriously thought about it today. Ive thought about it before, as Ive come to these conclusions before when faced with the screen of your ignorance. but, while i believe any two people can stay together, i cannot bring myself to do it. bc I would probably end up losing everything.

eh...u will grow up eventually (wont you?). youll have to. it has to happen; I know it will. and i will hold out until then enduring endless apathetic bullshit, mindless power plays, and sideways glances. You cant even pull it together to pick up the phone. You cant even pull it together to plan a birthday. you dont even have the courage and poise to tell me you already did (note: i dont believe you have) and was planning to cut me out of it AGAIN (note: if in fact you have planned it, which is questionable, youve refused to answer my inquiries regarding it)

DESPITE that

your (OUR) son was
DEVASTATED
for weeks


because i wasnt there last year.
you did it last year, dont you remember?


AND YOUR SON PAID THE CONSEQUENCES FOR WEEKS. all for you. did it make you feel better? does it still bring some comfort?

incase any of this is unclear, hes been asking to make sure i will be there this time:

"march 10," he tells people when they ask about his birthday.
"my mommy will do 'this/that/and the other' when she comes," he gleams.

to me, increasingly often, "will you do 'this/that/and the other' for my birthday, mom?"

i call your parents because you are still a child. and ill call them if i have to, again and again and again (note: this is why she left you. not bc you have a child- though thats a fancy try at an excuse, and maybe even the one she gave you- but bc you are one).

while we're on the topic: do we remember last haloween? justification for cutting me out of trick or treating: "shes not going anywhere."

(....for at least a few weeks....)

and no, i do not resort to "3rd grade" tactics. clearly, those are not working for you and i learn much to quickly to follow after your faulty path. though, they do say," if you cant beat em..."

is there a sandbox we could settle this in?

uh oh!

crumbling. tumbling. fumbling down....

i know I am not alone. And while it is refreshing to realize, i am trying to find a place to be sorry for you....

I make no judgments. Much of that quality in me has to do with enduring being judged (harshly) by all those around me-- those who "loved" me, and consequently the harshest of all, unadulterously included.

So Im going to try really hard to stop calling you names. I am just hurt, obviously, and I was acting immaturely in response to you acting unfairly.