not you.

It wasn't you. You weren't him. God, am I grateful. I really thought you were. I tried so fucking hard, the whole thing was so damn hard and to have thought it was a waste....on the subway- JUST LAST WEEK- i cried over the whole damn mess. I was listening to

"Delicate"
Damien Rice.

I urge you to listen. The singer is so damn torn and hurting over a relationship that meant everything to him and not enough to her. "Why'd you fill my sorrow with the words you borrowed...? Why'd you sing hallelujah, if it meant nothing to ya? Why'd you sing with me at all?" : The words. he is practically whispering from fatigue and desperation by the end. This is the summary of all i feel about "us." WHY THE FUCK DID YOU SING WITH ME AT ALL???!!! i cried, right there, over that line. All that pain; whyd you fucking bother?? shouldve left and put me out of my misery. Shouldve ended your own, as well.

you fucking coward. you goddamn loser. you have all of these things to say about me?? grow the fuck up and quit hiding behind your big, impressive words and elaborate writing style. you werent human enough to pull out when you knew it was all wrong. you werent man enough then (arent still) to be honest, forthright, and earnest in anything you did but the construction of your very elaborate and whimsical fantasy world. And you blame me for being miserable with a man that didnt even want her? youre funny. hilarious; and i can finally really laugh at you and everything you have to "say", you silly, silly, man. keep blaming everyone around you. Youll soon realize that you cant be the only blameless one on the planet. (sounds ridiculous, just reading it!)

whatever. I actually found him. the real guy. and hes not constructing a fantasy love because he wants to live in a storybook. (HA!) I have NEVER felt this way. It may not even work out, honestly, b/c of the circumstance of life and such. But I have gained the knowledge that this is so different than "us." I know I loved you but that you werent "the guy" like Ive believed until now. I loved you, was in love with you as much as I could be with a man that didnt love me back, but I am insane over him. Its like a breath of fresh air, the kind that comes at dawn after a downpour- all clean and pure. i didnt realize happiness like this existed. you cant fake this kind of thing, buddy. its insane to think you were trying to, you werent even close even when you thought you were. not even fucking close. man.

it feels good to know that it wasnt the kind of waste i thought it was- u know, where the love of my life didnt stay in your life. because u werent him.

awesome.

finally

Its done. Its over. Because when you move on, you dont care.