"hate" and "love" are the same chemical
I have been ruminating about a response. I have been turning over the idea in my palm for some time now. I have this issue with people entertaining the wrong ideas about me. And while I understand the claims are seemingly meritorious, that they are accompanied by suggestive and supporting "evidence," it bothers me just the same. I realize how different I am from day to day. I realize that while I run 5 miles a day now, have clear skin and a bright smile, tomorrow may be entirely different. While I carefully plan playdates and befriend fellow moms, make several special trips to special places, cook and prepare healthy meals and keep house clean, tomorrow may be much different. Tomorrow (or next week) I may not be able to think about a 5 mile run. Tomorrow I may retire my sneakers and become a TV addict. I may eat a french fry for the first time in months, I may let the kid. Ill gain 20 lbs and will break out into a pimply facial terrain. My friends will become confused, as you were for the entirety of our relationship. Such is the cycle, it seems. I realize the contradiction this presents. I realize why you may want to believe that all of the bad is also the consistent and the only reasonable explanation out of the paper bag. It also makes the whole thing my fault. And I concede to a great deal of the responsibility.
But, I never tried harder than I did with you. I never became so vulnerable as I did for you. I was never as honest about myself for someone as I was for/with you. And I think, somehow you already know this, because you stayed so long. I dont like to think its because you couldnt be alone, was afraid of solitude. Sometimes, how much I loved you came through, and you knew. I could be wrong. I very often am. I didn't cheat. I did the best I knew how. I also realize that it wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough. I know. It would have taken far too long to learn "normal." But I did try. I swear I did; harder than I ever thought I could. Most of the time, I believed that not cheating was how you did a "normal" relationship. I wrote things, fantasized I suppose. When we were lacking, as so often we were, I suppose I did extend outward but I didn't cheat. I didn't. Perhaps it bothers me because I was so proud of it. perhaps because I deeply and honestly didn't really want to, had no desire to because something about you and us made me never want to do that- THAT- perhaps this is why it is so important to me that you believe me. I know, also, that you do not want to and so you wont. Though I really wish you did. Because, really, you were (and I may still believe this) the love of my life. And I only ever did the best I knew how, though it was, as it almost always is, egregiously insufficient. But i didnt cheat. I didnt. I tried so hard for so long. I tried so hard. But I can never imagine what it feels like to be in a relationship with two people- one who seems to love and need you and one who didnt even seem to care you existed. It makes sense that someone would rationalize that such a piece of shit was only acting the good girl for a short time, because it maybe suited her devious interests. It seems reasonable that a person so deeply ingrained with mischievous traits was that person at her core. How could I love you today and hate you tomorrow? But ask: am I a meat-eating, TV addict who drinks too much and neglects her friends or a vegetarian runner, who cooks every meal (and hates the look of fried food) and hosts thursday BBQ playdates? Am I person who would rather sleep than clean or one who adheres to a strict cleaning schedule that she wildly enjoys? Curly hair or straight? Makeup or none? Heels or flip-flops? Manicure or natural? Preference for beach in her free time, or city? All? Some? how? it depends and it makes no sense. Which is the "fad?" Which is the transient quality? Kristine still doesnt accept that I am vegetarian. Maybe because shes seen me eat meat for so long. Maybe because she knows Ill soon be back to eating meat. I will; but, when? Kris is just waiting for the day I order a chicken breast at lunch and every time I opt for the veggie wrap, she smiles and says "you ARE NOT a vegetarian!" She knows Ill give it up soon and so she doesnt believe its even true, even any kind of feasible reality. Is this your thought? Shes hurt me before and will only hurt me again so she must be a person who only hurts me, who only wants to. You are not the only person that believes the thing thats easiest. it is human nature. i suppose it is the most rational thing to do. i suppose.
man, i loved you. I still dream about you. maybe this is why i cant understand why you cant just be nice for more than a day. maybe this is why I dont get how you can be so angry. still. at all. because I dont have it in me to be mad, or angry, or mean. Because i only loved you, the whole time. only wanted you, the whole time.
this would be easier if i never had to see you again. I wish I could never see you again. its really the only way to forget, move on. but there is a perpetual reminder in our unavoidable interaction. ongoing discontent and ceaseless misunderstanding, relentless assumptions.
and i hate you. you make me miserable almost every single day. my assumption is that this is your goal as you are relentless with your treatment of me. relentless. you make things very sad for me. point to j. as always. i could never win with you. you always found the bigger "fuck you."
what makes you tick? what gets you off, really?
o, and by the way. he still (STILL!) asks why I wasnt at his party. every weekend. asks if ill be at his next one. at first, i thought it was just mindless chatter about birthdays and such but then he kept asking. and what am i supposed to say? what do i say? dont rant about being out of reach when you, in our own situation, intentionally place me there and give me no say in the matter. o, you....
posted by Athena @ 3:25 PM
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